It's here! It's FINALLY here! The ANTM All-Star finale!" Did you, too,
find yourself saying something similar today, less like a kid on
Christmas morning, and more like a prisoner on
parole morning?
Seeing that we've reached the end of this, Tyra Banks's grand experiment
in building an army of Marketing & Modeling Mini-Mes, it's time to
take stock. When the
America's Next Top Model:
All-Stars cycle was announced, I literally couldn't contain my
excitement. (I screamed and spasmed and knocked
several objects off my desk when I found out. So yes,
literally.) But as
the cycle went on, it quickly, painfully became clear that the
show had no interest in deciding which all-star was "the best of the
best" at anything except promoting herself. Things got
gross, then
grosser, then
intolerable.
By no longer pretending to care about fashion, modeling or genuine
talent, Tyra finally sucked the last ounce of delusional humor out of
her show, and that's really all it had going for it in the first place.
There's a new cycle
already in the can, and this one's reportedly all about Yanks versus
Brits, so maybe the show can bounce back with a little dose of forced
cultural rivalry. But as things stand now, I couldn't be less compelled
to ever watch this show again. Let's not even get INTO the fact that
this is Andre's final episode, and that he's been phoning it in all
season anyway. Goodbye, glitter capes and
"SALON!" pronouncements and porkpie hats.
Goodbye, love. Goodbye, happiness.
Alright, I'll stop feeling sorry for myself now, and get to feeling sorry for the finalists:
Each
of the final three girls explains why she deserves the sympathy vote.
Lisa overcame extreme mental, physical and sexual abuse as a child, and
drug addiction as an adult. Angelea grew up poor and in the ghetto.
Everyone thinks Allison is weird and her dad died.
So, you've all got "stuff," the show says. Now forget the trials and sorrows of real life and look pretty for the camera.
Covergirl Print Ad and Commercial
Jay,
joined by a nondescript Covergirl mouthpiece named Paige, ushers the
girls into prep, where they have to memorize commercial lines while an
army of assistants cakes layers of drag queen makeup all over them.
Lisa's
gold and green eyeshadow make her eyelids look like they're covered in
iguana skin, but Jay thinks she looks "absolutely breathtaking in the
shadow blast."
Easy, breezy, uhh...
Then
it's time for Lisa to read her lines. (FROM AN IPAD! Somebody make sure
to add that to the "Legacy" section of Steve Jobs' Wikipedia page,
please.) The hardest part for her is the line
"Oh, yeah!" She keeps saying it like the Kool-Aid Man. Probably because nobody has ever looked at a Covergirl product and exclaimed,
"Oh, yeah!" Maybe if they'd written the line as
"Well, OK," she could have been more believable.
Allison
is draped in blue and purple, and for what seems the fifth or 800th
time this season, she can't perform because her massive eyes -- her
not-at-all-secret weapon -- are too sensitive to the light. When they
try to zoom in and get a really juicy shot of her 80s prom-worthy eye
makeup, she flutters her lids and immediately starts crying.
Tyra's ego... it's too bright... it burns...
ALLISON!
Girl. PULL YOUR PUPILS TOGETHER. This game is Allison's to win, but
having functional eyes is sort of an important element. Jay compromises
by filming her closeup like she's Stevie Wonder. (Closed eyes; swaying
happily.) But Allison redeems herself with her sweet, composed reading
of the Covergirl script.
Angelea, dressed in blinding fuchsia,
thinks she'd be the best Covergirl because she's "real." (What, and
Lisa and Allison are cyborgs?
Actually...) But when she reads
her script, she exclaims parts of it indiscriminately ("it's ready to
wear ... FAUR HOUARS!") To her credit, she was so enthusiastic and
manic that it actually came off as lovable. Like,
This girl's so crazy! I wanna hang out with her and see what she does next!
It's too close to call. They're all so good at some things and bad at other, probably more things!
Vogue Italia Photo Shoot
Then
it's time to pretend that this show cares about fashion, so the stylist
bleaches Allison's eyebrows, and immediately everyone's like "OMG HIGH
FASHION!" I guess that's all it takes! (How to be High Fashion, Step 1:
Be a skinny, beautiful model, Step 2: Bleach your eyebrows, Step 3:
Done.) Each girl takes turns posing in a white bikini on a Greek beach
while waves crash around her. Lisa screams something about her foot.
It's the usual. Moving on.
Runway Show
Later,
a completely off-putting, scripted voiceover by Jay pretends to be
attached to his human body and explains that now it's time for the
Michael Cinco runway show. It's going to be very "THEATRICAL," which
Angelea correctly interprets as being a test of "everything they've
learned so far."
Each girl tries on her signature Cinco gown and
loooOOOooooves it! They're sort of high fashion bridal meets Disney
witch. Lots of gold, glass and metal, sharp shoulders and long trains.
The hair and makeup styling for the shoot appears to be Raccoons at a
Masquerade Ball.
PRETTY.
Angelea starts crying, but she's wearing a mask and she's already in full Taylor Momsen face, so it doesn't matter.
The
runway show is supposed to depict "the transformation from mortal to
immortal," and it's actually less of a runway and more of an "American
Gladiators" challenge course. Blinded by their masks, the girls
(dressed as mere mortals) must first swim across a pool and then get
sucked into a grey vaccuum hose of metamorphosis or something. Lisa
can't see when she's swimming and runs into the side-wall. Stupid
mortal.
After they enter the tube, they have to run away, while
some other girl runs in and replaces them, dressed as a goddess. Then
they run back out and get lifted up into the air by a harness? I don't
even know. The point is that it truly IS the pinnacle of this
Top Model cycle: Needlessly over the top and complicated, with about 20% emphasis on "runway walk" and 80% emphasis on "other stuff."
At
least Miss J and Andre both look unimpressed and austere throughout.
Miss J is also dressed as a full-on gladiator, armored helmet and all,
and his nonchalance about this soothes me.
As if this whole affair needed to be more confusing, when each finalist walks the runway, her
"POT LEDOM" THEME SONG plays. So Lisa, dressed as a Greek goddess, jams down the runway while her Ke$ha-esque lyrics scream,
"I be like whooooa."
It's an unsettling mixture, but the audience seems to enjoy it. Angelea
dances and waves her arms in self-celebration as she stomps down the
runway to the song that she wrote. Anyone still want to say that this
girl lacks confidence? The only song that actually sounds halfway
normal on the runway is Allison's, but she almost gets literally blown
away, the little waif.
After the runway show, Angelea looks sad.
Or maybe she's just tired from doing that TRIATHLON?
Who knows what the reason was then, but we learn one very good reason
now...
EMERGENCY JUDGING PANEL
It's
hard to believe, but then things get REALLY whack. We cut to a meeting
of the judges at an indeterminate time in the future, and Nigel has
some news that is bound to please the court: Angelea has retroactively
disqualified herself from the competition. RECORD SCRATCH.
So now, in light of her unidentified infraction, they have to pick a winner all over again. UHHHH, GUH, WHAAA, NAH?
The
scuttlebutt on the World Wide Webernet seems to be that Angelea got
DQ'ed for "not keeping the final 3 a secret" on Facebook or something.
Accidental social media suicide. "Dislike."
This story sounds
stupid and believable enough to be true, but it's still just gossip,
and nobody here, in power, on this TV program, will tell us jack. The
judges DO, however, make sure to falsely wish Angelea well in her
future endeavors. This is nonsense dipped in hogwash wrapped in
bullcrap, judges. You're keeping something huge from us, and you've
subjected us to TOO MUCH GARBAGE this cycle to start being all
close-lipped and secretive now. JUST TELL ME WHAT SHE DID SO I CAN
DECIDE IF I CARE OR NOT!
But Tyra never hears me, no matter how
loud I scream, so it's time to move on to judging. "In the interest of
fairness," the judges thought it best to reshoot the entire final
judging panel without Angelea. Which begs the question: Is that...
because... Angelea... originally... won? SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT'S GOING
ON.
The judges bring in the girls, I take a Xanax, and we continue:
Allison's Runway Critique: Nigel
says she looked lovely under the water, but her walk was still her weak
point. "I definitely wish it could have been more graceful," says
Allison.
Lisa's Runway Critique: Lisa was a "mess" in the water, says Nigel, but she "worked it" on the runway, says Andre. The audience loved her performance.
Allison's Covergirl Commercial Critique:
Nigel says she's "really beautiful," and even though her eyes are
closed, he can hear her "talking through her eyes." Andre wishes her
articulation had been more "snappy." Tyra gives a demonstration in
on-camera "exaggeration," as if she doesn't do that every minute of her
life.
Lisa's Covergirl Commercial Critique: She didn't seem like Lisa, say the panel. "I feel like you were 50% of Lisa. Where's Lisa? Where's daring?" wonders Tyra.
Allison's Covergirl Print Ad Critique: They don't like her "vacant" expression and don't know what she's selling. I disagree with all of this, but what else is new?
Lisa's Covergirl Print Ad Critique:
Only one of her eyes is showing, but "all you need is one eye," says
Nigel. She looks fun and edgy and alluring, "like a fortune teller,"
says Tyra.
DELIBERATION
For the BAJILLIONTH time tonight, we compare and contrast Lisa and Allison:
Lisa
is tall, loud, crazy, in your face and vibrant. She's a triple threat,
a brand, and she "owns" the runway. But she's also cocky. Yet she's
also a survivor. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Allison is strange,
alluring and beautiful. She's surprising, she's a muse, and her eyes
are stunning. Tyra then gives a speech about how a model's power is her
eyes, and Allison has gorgeous eyes, yet she can't look into the light,
and so the light "MAY BE HER UNDOING." Spare me, spare me, spare me.
FINALLY, IT'S TIME TO LEARN WHO AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL IS...
...By watching the final leg of the stupid
Modelland motion editorial. This is the
ANTM
equivalent of when a website tells you to "get a free laptop!" ... but
first you have to fill out a 20 page survey. (Oh, and the laptop isn't
real anyway.)
Tyra, you ARE human spam.
At the end of
the video, Allison and Lisa each hold up their masks (what is with this
show and masks?), and the girl who removes her mask is ...
LISA. And boy, she's never looked more beautiful:
America's Next Top Dystopian Chimney Sweep?
That
means she won, right? Even the girls seem confused, and the general
lack of excitement is palpable. It's almost like they filmed this whole
scene months after neither of them cared anymore, and a producer
prepped each of them for who would win before it happened. ("Almost" =
"definitely")
It's
hard to tell if Allison is sad, relieved or bored. She doesn't want to
hug Lisa, THAT'S for sure, but it happens anyway. She says that she
appreciates all the people who rooted for her. I'm gonna go with
"bored."
As for the winner: "My confidence comes from a very
vulnerable place," Lisa tells us. "I feel like the universe finally
came around for me! And I'm not gonna let anybody down." She runs
screaming down the runway, then laughs, and then cries. I can't wait to
see her
Extra! guest correspondent pieces on the red carpet. I hope they follow the same pattern.
I
feel like I should be infuriated that Allison lost (AGAIN!), but I'm
too curious about Angelea's mysterious disappearance and too
disappointed in this cycle in general. So, congratulations Lisa. You
earned it? I guess?
Have a question for Allison and Lisa?
Leave your question in the comments, and I'll try to ask it when I talk
to each of them tomorrow. No Angelea interview, I guess because she's
been Burn Noticed.
Thanks for joining me on this strange ride this cycle, folks. The nightmare is
finally over, and we all get to go home. Hallelujah, Merry Christmas, ANTMEN.
